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contemplation

Today is the day.

Posted on 2007.10.26 at 09:04
Current Mood: calmcalm
My biological father is coming to visit today. It will be the first time I've seen him in over 12 years. I feel strangely calm. I'm putting one foot in front of the other and staying balanced. I've basically lost my father twice in my life, so I kinda feel like I have nothing to lose. Funny how having nothing can actually be empowering.

Even if I'm unafraid of having it dashed, I do still have hope. It's a promising step that he's even coming out to visit. So if it goes well, that'll be nice. But if it doesn't go well... eh, I've been through it before and have come out ok. Is it possible to be unattached yet hopeful??

contemplation

a rant

Posted on 2007.10.21 at 10:52
Current Mood: irateirate
I like to think I'm a very open and forgiving person. In fact, I will make excuses for a person's shitty behavior repeatedly, always keeping in mind that, hey, nobody's perfect, right? I'm certainly not perfect, and I hope that others would be understanding of mistakes I make that somehow impact them. I WANT to get along with people. I want to be tolerant and accepting. And for the most part, I really do get along with people and go to great lengths to overlook flaws. I often even go so far as to love a person FOR their flaws, as opposed to in spite of them. We've all been damaged in some way, and those damaged parts can often be healed with the help of a good, loving and accepting friend, right?

However, I think that I may have a tendency to do this to a fault. To the point where I could come close to making a doormat of myself when there are people who have their heads so far up their asses that they'd flagrantly take advantage of it and keep making excuses for their shitty behavior.

I'm not allowing that to happen now, even though I will probably be portrayed as the cold one for standing my ground.

Seriously, you can't fucking drag my best friend and her children through a fucking mine field of emotional terrorism without expecting me to have an issue with it. I mean, sure, all couples have their issues, and there are always at least two sides to every story. But sometimes there's just no excuse for being the kind of asshole you've been. Sometimes there's just no way to spin a perspective, because your actions speak for themselves, and they're ugly from ANY angle. I'm not saying that *I* expect an apology for this, or that I even expect for you to talk to me about it (although I DO expect you to apologize to HER); just know that I'm not exactly going to be comfortable around you after all of this has transpired.

Furthermore, you can't make a symbolic gesture of ending a friendship with me without ONE FUCKING WORD to me about it without there being some sort of trust broken. I mean, you didn't even bother TALKING with me about it. Nothing. Is 15 years so paltry to you that you're just willing to symbolically throw it away the way you did? YOU burnt the bridge. It's not up to me to extend a friendly hand to you anymore.

But the big slap in the face is that you would show up at my band practice, get drunk as fuck, and just hang out and make conversation with everybody as if nothing has happened while all of this is between us. You didn't even ACKNOWLEDGE that shit's fucked up, let alone be a man and claim any responsibility for your part in it. It was flagrantly inconsiderate and demonstrates that you're so locked into your own sense of subjectivity that you're simply self-centered.

So you know what? If I come across as cold and distant, I'm really ok with that. I refuse to give in to your ass-backwards way of handling your relationships with people. I will not participate. I will not make up for your lack of willingness to step-up to the plate responsibly the way so many people have done for you in the past. It's not healthy for me, and it's not healthy for you, either. However, if you want to fucking GROW UP and approach me to talk about things like an adult, I might be willing to listen.

contemplation

some costume ideas

Posted on 2007.10.19 at 13:58
Ella and I were just discussing what I would be for Halloween. Truth be told, I really haven't put a *ton* of thought into it, so I'm undecided. Ella made a couple of suggestions. I could be:

1. A pair of underwear.
2. A booger. A *wet* booger, to be specific.


*blink blink*
:-/
How very charming...

contemplation

Some good news:

Posted on 2007.10.12 at 09:34
1. It's a GORGEOUS day. We have all of the windows open in the house. The sky is clear and vibrantly blue. I can hear the birds and the windchimes. I can hear the traffic, too; but that doesn't bother me, because it just reminds me that I'm comfy at home while everybody else is rushing about. The air is cool and dry. My toes even got cold, so I put some socks on. I haven't worn socks in months. I heart socks. They're cozy.

2. Max got into the Blue Dot Club at school yesterday. That means he's reached level 17 in reading. Level 17 is what they're supposed to reach by the end of the school year. He started out at level 9 just a month and a half ago, so he's climbed up pretty quickly.

3. Max also won an award at school the day before yesterday. It was for Respect (he also won a respect award in pre-k, and one for responsibility in kindergarten last year). He even spoke at the ceremony!!

4. While I sadly haven't developed any super powers as a result of my insect bite, it does look as though it's improving. It isn't exactly shrinking, but it has faded significantly.

5. It's tweekedcat's birthday! Have a wonderful day and weekend, Woman!! Celebrate yourself, because you deserve it!! You're awesome!!

contemplation

for the hell of it

Posted on 2007.10.11 at 11:03
A friend at myspace asked me to take a picture of my bug bite and send it to her. Just for fun, I'm posting it here, too. Keep in mind that this is IMPROVED since Tuesday - it was actually much uglier than this then:

EDIT: I decided to put this under a cut. I didn't even consider yesterday that some people might not want to look at it. Sorry about that!

Read more...Collapse )


contemplation

what a week

Posted on 2007.10.11 at 09:36
*glub glub*
*treading water!*

On Sunday, I was sitting on my back patio when I felt a sharp, bug-bite like pain on my leg. I was wearing long, loose pants, so I swatted at my leg and then took a look. Sure enough, there was a little puncture mark, but no bug.

On Monday morning, I noticed a swollen red welt about 2" by 2 1/2" where the bite had been. As the day wore on, it became more swollen and surrounded by a larger area of pink that covered my entire calf. By Tuesday morning, the welt was turning purple and the pink area was turning red. I decided then to go to the walk in clinic. The doctor really wanted to put me in the hospital for IV antibiotics, but since my health insurance isn't effective until the end of this month, he decided to give me strong oral antibiotics to take at home. He said he would call me today to check the progress, and he wanted to hear that it had shrunken down to the size of a quarter, otherwise he'd send me to the hospital with or without insurance. Well, while it has improved, it's NOT the size of a quarter today. The surrounding red area is gone (replaced by a bunch of broken capillaries), but the welt has the same dimensions as it did at the beginning, although it is no longer swollen or as angry looking. I'm hoping that if the doc does call today, I can stall him enough to give me one more day, becauuuuse....

I was awake until 5AM with Ella. She had a terrible earache that had her crying most of the night. I then had to wake up at 7AM to get Max off to school and take care of Ava. Brian couldn't help because he is bedridden sick. I'm soooo tired, but can't take a nap.

Another crappy thing that happened this week was that my electricity was turned off ALL DAY Tuesday. It was due to my own stupid mistake. Back when my bank account info was stolen last month, I called to postpone my paydate for my electric bill since I pay online and I was waiting for my new info to arrive. Like a dumbass, I forgot to pay it. Believe me, having no electricity is super inconvenient when there are three kids to take care of. No tv (not that they watch a lot, but it does help for a half hour here or there so I can make lunch or do laundry or whatever), no hot water, debating about whether or not to open the refrigerator and let all the food spoil... So, yeah, that sucked.

Anyway, I'm really hoping for a break in the clouds here soon. I feel like all I'm doing is whining and complaining anymore. I'm REALLY trying to keep my attitude positive, but it's difficult because I still haven't gotten on the necessary medications to improve my mental health, and I keep getting difficult circumstances (many out of my control) thrown at me. Bleh. Anyway, sorry for the negativity.

contemplation
Posted on 2007.10.05 at 20:37
Current Mood: gratefulgrateful
My aunt Marie left yesterday. It was a tearful goodbye. As I've mentioned before, she is and has always been one of my kindred spirits, despite years going by at a time of not seeing each other as I grew up. There was just something special always *there* between us... an understanding, a comfort. She's just...*home* to me. So having her here for 2 1/2 weeks was a luxury.

That woman did SO much to help me while here. She let me get out of the house by myself for a couple of hours every day while she took care of my kids (she even told me I could leave ALL day if I wanted to, but I chose not to). Not only that, but she even gave me spending money so that I could actually find stuff to do. I wandered through arts and craft stores, book stores, the library, the mall. I sat outside and breathed fresh air in uninterrupted silence. I was able to treat myself to lunches. Even more importantly than all this time and money she gave me, she provided a safe, compassionate ear for me to blabber away about all of the crap that's been going through my mind and provided lots of insight into stuff I've been feeling (because she's been where I am before, too).

She allowed me the space to get reacquainted with a part of my mind, with a slower *pace* of my mind, that I haven't been in touch with since before my children were born. I'm hoping that I will use this opportunity wisely and well enough so that I can continue accessing it should things get overwhelming again (which they're bound to). She helped me realize that I'm actually doing a pretty fucking good job raising my family (because I have a tendency to pick myself apart in this aspect) and just living my life, in general.

Unfortunately, I still have this crazy chasm of emptyness and unhappiness stretching across my mental plane. I'm still chronically tired and lack motivation and energy. I still have to talk myself into getting out of bed every morning. I still struggle with feeling very distant and disengaged from my relationships with people and have to force myself to open up. I still have the instinct to panic when I think about things I have to accomplish... even the little, mundane daily things. I think no amount of guilting myself, reasoning with myself, time, or space will fix this. Therefore, I still intend to get on meds, but I have to wait until the end of the month, as my health insurance doesn't take effect until 10/25. Hopefully I'll be able to keep the crazies at bay until then. At least there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

contemplation

Ah, sweet relief.

Posted on 2007.09.30 at 14:23
Current Mood: relievedrelieved
We had band practice last night for the first time in, like...5 weeks. Our bassist and lead guitarist were in Amsterdam for almost a month, and then our drummer had to take last week off after they got back; so we've been jamless for a while now. Practice has been a pretty inconsistent this year, but this is the longest we've gone without yet. We were a bit rusty last night and tired out early, but it still felt really good to be together with my guys again for our big reunion tour. :P The storage unit we practice in has no A/C, and it's much like playing in a sauna, but I just try to concentrate on sweating the toxins out at the same time as I sing my demons out. It's exhausting, but I usually feel 10 pounds lighter, both physically and spiritually, once it's all said and done, as I did last night.

Driving home from jams with the windows down was awesome, too. There was actually a subtle coolness in the breeze as I let my hand ride the current outside and we rode along listening to Led Zeppelin (I've been on a big Zeppelin kick lately, btw -- I think if I was forced to pick only one song to listen to for the rest of my life, it just might be Kashmir).

Today, we have all of the windows in the house open. We also just got back from eating on the patio at our favorite Mexican restaurant (Senor Loco's, or as we like to call it, "Crazy Mister's"). I love me some Sunday Sangrias. It's breezy and mild outside. And it's NOT HUMID. Humidity is really Floridian climate's most predominant characteristic during the summer; and the summers are usually verrrrry long here. Relief has arrived a bit early this year, but none too soon for me. I'm sure we'll get a few more humid spells before "winter" (I use that term loosely), but it's nice to have this little break.

All in all, it's been a weekend of relief. I'm enjoying it. I think I'm gonna go finish reading Vonnegut's "Timequake" and wait for the kids to come home...

contemplation

a morning in the life (thank goodness they're not all like this)

Posted on 2007.09.27 at 09:09
Current Mood: crazycrazy
Eyes open at 7:22am.
Wake Brian and Max up 10 minutes late, annoyed that this happens too often. Wake girls up.
Am informed that Max threw up at 4am (guess I slept right through it - so thanks to B for taking care of it), so he's not going to school.
Wash face, brush teeth.
Usually Brian makes breakfast, but since he woke up late, it's up to me.
Brian leaves for work.
Throw cereal in the bowls for girls.
Ask Max if he's hungry. He says, "yes." Make Max toast. He decides he doesn't want it because his belly is upset. Throw toast out thinking it'll be gross by the time he wants to eat it.
Call Grampa to let him know he won't need to take Max to busstop.
Go to bathroom to put on makeup.
Max wants toast again. Tell him to wait.
Finish makeup. Sneeze, reflex forcing my eyes shut tight, smearing mascara, causing me to look like a deranged racoon. Sigh exasperatedly. Clean face.
Make Max toast.
Start makeup again.
Ella comes running in: "Max threw up!"
Come to find out he also peed and had diarrhea while he threw up - TRIPLE THREAT!
Undress Max, clean up big mess, disinfect. Tell Max to go get fresh clothes on.
Get girls' clothes out, and tell them to clean up the puzzle they got out and get dressed.
Finish make up.
Come back out. Girls aren't dressed. Puzzle isn't put away. Chutes and Ladders all over the floor. Kinnex all over floor.
Reiterate to girls that they need to clean up and get dressed.
Go call Grampa to ask if he can come hang out with Max while the girls and I get Ella to school. He says yes.
Back to the livingroom to find puzzle, game, Kinnex still out. And now some magnet dolls (think paper dolls, only magnets... with A LOT of pieces), as well. Raise my voice telling the girls to clean up and get dressed NOW.
They comply.
Brian calls and we have the fastest conversation in history, both speaking at the exact same time. Brian: "Thanks for waking me up and getting breakfast together, sorry I had to leave in a rush because a truck was waiting for me at work." Me: "What. I don't have time to talk. Ok, cool, thanks, gotta go, bye." *click*
Go put toothpaste on girls' toothbrushes. Tell them to brush. They comply.
Tell girls to come get their hairbrushed. They race to me. Ava makes it first, teases Ella. "Don't tease your sister, Ava."
Ella decides she's not getting her hairbrushed.
"Ok, fine, you can just go to school with your hair a big mess."
"I don't want to go to school."
"You have to go to school."
"Why?"
"So you can learn and have fun."
"But I've already learned a hundred times."
"Well, you'll need to learn at least a hundred more times. Are you going to school with messy hair or nicely brushed hair?"
(pouting)
"Well...?"
"Brushed hair."
Grampa arrives.
Girls and I pile into van. I drive them to school.
Worry the whole way there because we're running late, and my gas tank is empty. Pleeeease, let us not run out of gas.
We make it to school... on time, actually.
AND Ava and I make it to the gas station and home safely.
Max is coloring and feels ok.
They've been quiet the whole time I've been typing this out.
Maybe the day won't be so bad, afterall.


End.

contemplation

Now the real work begins.

Posted on 2007.09.23 at 10:17
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
The honeymoon I had with clarity all summer is over. Now, I'm confronting the harsh realities of living in the real world, as opposed to the fantasy one I've been cushioning my mind with.

If you've been a long time reader of my blog, you may remember a couple of years ago how I voluntarily explored the darker side of myself. I'm just going to be upfront and say that doing so involved a lot of VERY heavy weekend partying (while the kids were out of the house, of course)...in a way that was self abusive. I knew it was unhealthy, and I knew where it would eventually bring me. (Fortunately, however, even though I was on the path long enough to regret it, I did take an exit well before I blindly ran myself off a cliff with it).

As I look back on the choices I made, I ponder why...? If I knew how unhealthy the choices were, why the fuck did I make them? Life was going REALLY well. I had a beautiful new family. I was kicking ass in school. I was emotionally healthy (relatively speaking, anyway). I had diligently squared away with all of my major childhood/relationship/emotional issues, and I was confident in my abilities to make my life a thing of beauty. So why would I willingly sabotage myself?

In a nutshell, I think I've been petrified of being happy. Why? Because it's not as predictable as being depressed. I know all about being depressed. I don't know a whole lot about being happy. And somewhere deep down inside, I think I'm afraid I don't deserve to be happy.

So now, instead of running myself off a cliff, I'm standing on the precipice, peering over at the lush beauty below. And I'm so afraid that my wings won't work.

But I've explored damn near every crevice in the landscape behind me. I may as well move forward, right?


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